Jokes in English.

What is the longest word in the English language?
SMILES: there is a mile between the first and last letters!" 

 Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map.
Maria: This is it.
Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America?
Class: Maria did. 

A: Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
B: Yes I am, I married the wrong woman. 

A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine.

Officer: You were speeding.
Man: No, I wasn't.
Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket.
Man: But I wasn't speeding.
Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.)
Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?
Officer: Yes, you would.
Man: What if I just thought that you were?
Officer: I can't give you a ticket for what you think.
Man: Fine, I think you're a jerk! 

 What are the three quickest ways of spreading a rumour (or gossip).

• Telegram
• Telephone
• Tell a woman 

 "Am I the first man you have ever loved?" he said.
"Of course," she answered "Why do men always ask the same question?". 

When I was young I didn't like going to weddings.
My grandmother would tell me, "You're next"
However, she stopped doing that after I started saying the same thing to her at funerals. 

A: I'm in a big trouble!
B: Why is that?
A: I saw a mouse in my house!
B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.
A: I don't have one.
B: Well then, buy one.
A: Can't afford one.
B: I can give you mine if you want.
A: That sounds good.
B: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap.
A: I don't have any cheese.
B: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap.
A: I don't have oil.
B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.
A: I don't have bread.
B: Then what is the mouse doing at your house?! 

A very drunk man comes out of the bar and sees another very drunk man.
He looks up in the sky and says, "Is that the sun or the moon?"
The other drunk man answers, "I don't know. I'm a stranger here myself." 

A man is talking to God.

The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute." 

A: Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the operation?
B: Yes, of course.
A: Great! I never could before! 

Why couldn't Cinderella be a good soccer player? She lost her shoe, she ran away from the ball, and her coach was a pumpkin.

 (Good one!!)

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the...
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet. 

 Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

Two cows are standing in a field.
One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!" 

Teacher: How can we get some clean water?
Student: Bring the water from the river and wash it. 

Q. What do you call a ginger bread man with one leg?
A. Limp Bizkit. (limp biscuit)
(Alternate: What do the British call a cookie that got wet?) 

A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket."
The friends says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"
The first guys says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them!" 

A: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
B: No idea. (No Eye Deer.)

A: What do you call a dead deer with no eyes?
B: Still no idea. 

(Good!)

Q: What starts with E, ends with E and only has one letter?
A: An envelope. 

 (Good too!)

Q: What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?
A: A stick. 

These need to be written.

Q: What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A: A piiig.

Q: What goes Oh, Oh, Oh?
A: Santa Claus walking backwards. 

Q: What do you call a hippie's wife?
A: Mississippi. 

Q: What did the ocean say to the beach?
A: Nothing, it just waved! 

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted".

The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." 

 Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock. 

Q: What word of only three syllables contains 26 letters?
A: Alphabet = (26 letters) 

Q: What is the end of everything?
A: The letter "g". 

Q: What has many keys but can't open any doors?
A: A piano. 

Q: Who earns money driving their customers away?
A: A taxi driver. 

The teacher speaking to a student said, "Saud, name two pronouns."
Saud who suddenly woke up, said, "Who, me?" 

Teacher: Today, we're going to talk about the tenses. Now, if I say "I am beautiful," which tense is it?
Student: Obviously it is the past tense. 

Enjoy and remember: "Laughter is the best medicine"!!

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