Mycrazyworld: Seinfeld´s funniest quotes

This is for English speakers only! Sorry! I´m going to take the time and space to post something from one of my favorite sitcoms ever: Seinfeld. The names below the quotes are the character´s and the episodes names.

"Produce section. Very provocative area. A lot of melons and shapes. Everyone's squeezing and smelling..."
- Jerry in The Junior Mint

(In the fruit section of a supermarket)

"As of today I am a proud parent of a one-mile stretch of the Arthur Berkhardt Expressway."
- Kramer in The Pothole

(He "adopted" a neglected part of a highway)

"It pains me to say this, but I may be getting too mature for details."
- Jerry in The Deal

"Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason."
- Jerry in The Baby Shower

"It's one day. Half a day, really. I mean you subtract showers and meals, it's like twenty minutes."
- Jerry to Elaine in The Pen

"You should've seen her face. It was the exact same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist."
- George in The Cafe

"I can't go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?"
- Jerry in The Chinese Restaurant

"You see? Never be late for a plane with a girl. 'Cuz a girl runs like a girl-- with the little steps and the arms flailing out... You wanna make this plane, you've gotta run like a man! Get your knees up!"
- Jerry, to Elaine in The Airport

"Actually it was in gym class. I was trying to climb the ropes and Jerry was spotting me. I kept slipping and burning my thighs and then finally I slipped and fell on Jerry's head. We've been close ever since."
- George, explaining how he met Jerry in The Outing

"I hate asking for change. They always make a face. It's like asking them to donate a kidney."

- George in The Trip

"I want you to find out if she likes me."
"Find out if she likes you? What, are you in high school?"
- George and Elaine in The Doodle

"I've been searching for someone a long time. Well, the search is over!"
"And now the search for the right psychiatrist begins."
- George and Jerry in The Doodle

"Bro's no good. Too ethnic."
"You got something better?"
"How about the Mansiere?"
"Mansiere."
"That's right. A brassiere for a man."
- Frank and Kramer in The Doorman

"There should be a B.O. squad that patrols the city like a "Smell Gestapo". To sniff 'em out, strip 'em down, and wash them with a big, soapy brush..."
- Jerry in The Smelly Car

"Borrowing money from a friend is like having sex. It just completely changes the relationship."
- George in The Puffy Shirt

"I think I've reached a point in my life where I can tell the difference between nougat and cookie."
- George in The Dealership

"You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world, 'I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.'"
- Jerry in The Pilot

"Well, the yogurt verdict is in.... FAT!"
- Jerry in The Non-Fat Yogurt

"It's the financial equivalent of a complete rectal examination."
- Jerry, talking about his upcoming audit in The Truth

"Women don't respect salad eaters."
- Jerry in The Wink

"Nobody drives like me. Nobody. I'm doing things in this car, you have no idea they're going on."
- George in The Parking Space

"Maybe I'll go visit my mother. She just bought me some new panties and they're all laid out for me."
- Elaine in The Cheever Letters

"Why is nice bad? What kind of a sick society are we living in when nice is bad?"
- George in The Cafe

"When you look annoyed all the time, people think that you're busy."
- George in The Hot Tub

"That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me."
- Jerry in The Pick

"You're through, Soup Nazi. Pack it up. No more soup for you. Next!"
- Elaine in The Soup Nazi

"I relate to George through you. We're more like friends-in-law."
- Elaine in The Dog

"I'm much more comfortable criticizing people behind their backs."
- George in The Engagement

"I wanted to talk about how we had nothing to talk about."
- Elaine in The Dog

"I just can't be with someone who's life is in complete disarray."
- Kramer in The Puffy Shirt

"I want to be the one person who doesn't die with dignity."

- George in The Pilot

"I couldn't raise a kid? C'mon, I love bossing people around."
- Elaine in The Blood

"This woman hates me so much, I'm starting to like her."
- George in The Masseuse

"I've driven women to lesbianism before, but never a mental institution."
- George in The Truth

"Eight hours of jingle-belling and ho-ho-hoing. Boy, I am ho'd out."
- Kramer in The Race

"I love the day date... No wine, no shower..."
- Jerry in The Soup

"Moles -- Freckle's ugly cousin."
- Kramer in The Slicer

"I would drape myself in velvet if it were socially acceptable."
- George in The Label Maker

"I think she finds my stupidity charming."
- George in The Gymnast

"I'm in the unfortunate position of having to consider other people's feelings."
- Jerry in The Gymnast

"I need the secure packaging of Jockeys. My boys need a house!"
- Kramer in The Chinese Woman

"It's a shame his parents didn't get divorced thirty years ago. He could've been normal."
- Jerry in The Chinese Woman

"People on dates shouldn't even be allowed out in public."
- Jerry in The Big Salad

"She had man-hands!"
- Jerry in The Bizzaro Jerry

"If you can't say something bad about a relationship you shouldn't say anything at all."
- George in The Stand-In

"I spend so much time trying to get their clothes off, I never thought of taking mine off."
- George in The Stand-In

"This woman is bending my mind into a pretzel."

- Jerry in The Pie

(Source: http://www.tbs.com/stories/story/0,,31807,00.html)

Now these are from Jerry´s live stand-up performance in the opening of the series:

· I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?

· It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper

· Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

· Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.

· There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."

· According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

· Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"?

· People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to

· Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.

· The big advantage of a book is it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning.

· I have a friend who's collecting unemployment insurance. This guy has never worked so hard in his life as he has to keep this thing going. He's down there every week, waiting on the lines and getting interviewed and making up all these lies about looking for jobs. If they had any idea of the effort and energy that he is expending to avoid work, I'm sure they'd give him a raise.

· The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same; so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy

· I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, "Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye."

· Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

· What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. "Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big." "That's ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later."

· I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time? When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're all wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!"

Check George´s answering machine:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YP3gdxkaJLI&feature=related

Others:

"Kramer, he´s just a dentist." (Jerry). " And you´re an anti-dentite" (Kramer)

"My name´s Butt Naked, I´m a porn writer" (George)

"Just remember: it´s not a lie if you believe it" (George)

"I´m pretty much like you, only successful" (Jerry to George)

"My name´s George, I´m unemployed and I live with my parents"

"Look at you, you´re disgusting. You´re bald, you´re paunchy, all kinds of sound are emanating from your body" (Jerry to his uncle)

"I can´t be with someone like me! I hate myself!" (Jerry)

"The jerk store called: they´re running out of you" (George)

"I can drop you like a bag of dirt" (Elaine to Mr. Costanza)

"You told nanna to drop dead?' (Jerry to Elaine)

"I´m out there, Jerry, and I´m loving every minute of it" (Kramer in his no underwear phase)

"You want a piece of me? You got it!" (Mr. Costanza)

"Yo yo mamma!" (Kramer, after seeing George´s girlfriend topless)

"Little Jerry is a lean, mean, packing machine" (Jerry, about the rooster Kramer named after him)

"I´m not gay. Not that there´s anything wrong with that" (Jerry)

"He´s a bizarro Jerry" (Jerry, about Elaine´s new friend)

"He´s a regifter" (Elaine)

"He´s one of these low talkers" (Jerry)

"But you´re still master of your domain" (Jerry to George, who was winning a bet on "masturbation deprivatation")

"I´m king of the county" (George, on the same subject)

"I´m queen of the castle" (Elaine, ditto)

"Lord of the manor" (Jerry, ditto)

"He´s not sponge-worthy" (Elaine, about her birth control method, the sponge)

"Comfort-schmomfter" (George)

"You double-dipped that chip!" (George´s girlfriend´s brother)

"It shrinks? (Elaine, asking if "it" really shrinks after swimming in cold water)."Like a frightened turtle" (Jerry)

"That, my friend, is garbage!" (Jerry to George, after George is caught by his girlfriend´s aunt eating an eclair from the garbage)

"My mother caught me" (George). "Caught you, doing what?' (Jerry). "You know. I was alone" (G, confessing his mom caught him masturbating)

"Stress is very damaging to the epidermis" (George)

"Do I smell something? What am I hard of smelling?" (Elaine)

"Speaking of ex's, my old boyfriend came over late last night, and, yada yada yada, anyway. I'm really tired today." (George´s girlfriend)

"No, "yada yada" is good. She's very succinct.Yeah, it's like you're dating USA Today" (Jerry)
"That's why they call it a Stairmaster. You get up there and you stare." (Jerry to Elaine, at the gym)/ The Implant episode).

"I never knew you were so into breasts. I thought you were a leg man". (Elaine to Jerry, ditto)

"A leg man? Why would I be a leg man? I don't need legs. I have legs" (Jerry to Elaine, ditto)

"Yeah, she was on his right side. He can't make a move with his left hand. Can't go left (Jerry, talking about George)...I'm lefty, can't go right. What about women? Do they go left or right?" (Jerry to Elaine, ditto)

"Nah, we just play defense." (Elaine, ditto)

"In the whole world right now, there's maybe three emergencies. Why would you think, on this entire planet, that you're one of those three?" (George to his girlfriend, who wants to answer the phone/ ditto)

"What kind of a greeting was that?" (George to Jerry/ The Hamptons)

"She's got greeting problems." (Jerry to George, ditto)

"Some ugly baby, huh?" (Elaine to Ben, ditto). "I said, uh, some snuggly baby."